Slipping Through My Fingers

Today presents a very different landscape. Not just the physical changes presented when she left home but the emotional relationship shifted. The vocabulary can change, and it is all too often short and curt. If I don’t witness the eye-rolling sometimes when I make a suggestion, I certainly feel it.  I have done my job as a parent; watching her fly the nest with confidence and independence. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to be proud of as she lives her best life; the detachment I can’t deny has been difficult at times to accept.

Any woman with a daughter will observe the most profound changes that can occur all too often while they struggle with ageing. Feeling like they are losing their beauty and youth just at a time when their daughters are stepping into their own, radiating the vibrancy of their young adulthood. This transition period can show the strains of a once close mother-daughter bond and reveal uncomfortable scenarios that were never deemed possible before.

Daughters, on the other hand, are often in a phase of seeking to establish their own identity separate from their families. This natural developmental stage can sometimes be interpreted by us as an  emotional strain caused by our ageing process. The combination of a mother feeling beauty fades and a daughter asserting her independence can create a complex and emotionally charged dynamic.

Allure for Menopause

Society often values youthful beauty, making ageing challenging for many women. As women, it is natural to struggle with feelings of loss and inadequacy as we notice the physical signs of ageing. All too often, our daughters are standing there in full bloom and receiving the kind of attention and admiration we once enjoyed.

Unashamedly, against present societal conditions, enjoyed the odd catcall. The thought is abhorrent to my daughter. However, it used to put a spring in my step, and I found it strangely flattering. Conversations on similar topics present huge chasms of differences in views.

No wanting to sound  melancholy in fact, it’s a time for adjustment. This shift presents a unique opportunity for growth and deeper understanding; embracing new perspectives on how one sees the world is intriguing and enjoying the robust conversations as she questions perhaps my preconceived ideals.

Certain subjects hold fast and perhaps naively hoped would be adopted by my daughter.  Equally, I understand that she struggles with her mother’s expectations having all too often developed her own opinions and principles. Then there are times that I just don’t want to understand.

It can be challenging to know when their core values don’t necessarily fit with your own; however, more significantly, it is difficult when your daughter may be questioning your values. Is it nature or nurture? Has her upbringing, albeit closely aligned with yours all these years, developed into a set of values contrary to yours? Wanting to embrace their new or differing opinions, I’m mindful that to sympathise with my daughter’s experiences as she navigates the world is needed to develop a deeper level of understanding.  Yet it’s too easy to feel more and more shut out and vying for attention; exacerbating the emotional strain caused by my insecurities.

Interestingly we both have learnt to embrace this changing dynamic. Over the past twenty years, I’ve seen this child blossom into a young woman of poise and beauty.  I’m amazed by her ability to understand situations that I once had to guide her through; she now commands the room with pragmatic confidence.  Perhaps this feeling of being ever so slightly redundant in her world bit by bit contributes to my feeling that she is slipping through my fingers.

Relationships

We come onto the subject of dating.  Watching a daughter enter a loving or affectionate relationship, whether casual dating or a full commitment, will shift your relationship as that person becomes a new confidant and support.  Accepting that you are not their first preference to hang out with anymore can play heavy on the heart. It should also be fun, bringing fresh personalities into the family especially when you can visibly understand that they care for your daughter. Difficulties, however, can arise if you discuss anything negatively and warning or “red flags” can be as daunting as negotiating with terrorists.

Throughout all this, nourishing the bond with your daughter through time together is important.  Time is precious; time with your daughter seems essential and rewarding and yet mildly irritating and unnecessary for them when you suspect they’d prefer to be elsewhere.  Let them be free to find their way and hope that the special moments of singing Disney songs at the top of our voices and watching “Bridesmaids” together for the umpteenth time make a comeback.

These bonds nurtured over the years will have evoked deeper emotions both positively and negatively. As a result, we know our daughters better than anyone else.  Invariably, we become the best of friends and the most likely to fight, laugh, ignore and love each other fiercely. This is the most challenging and rewarding intergenerational relationship and will inevitably cause the most heartbreak.

Cherishing that relationship involves working at it constantly. Shopping trips and lunches, concerts and weekends away pay off so that the next time a drama arises you hope they will turn to you first.